I have always known that once I love someone, I love them forever. Over the years I have continued to not be able to let those previous relationships in my past go free. It ranges from romantic relationships to friendships but it all hurts the same. People told me as you get older you begin to have to sort through your relationships. Over the last 5 years I have really had to let go of a lot of those close to me. Some were friendships that weren’t healthy for me, and some were previous male friends that just wouldn’t benefit my marriage by keeping around. Even though I have let these people go, I still find myself thinking, wondering, and wanting to share monumental life moments with them.
Have I really let them go, because I find it too easy for me to revisit emotions I’ve had in the past?
In 2004 I had my heart-broken so much to a point that I was afraid I wouldn’t make it out undamaged or even alive. It has been 7 years and I can still close my eyes and remember the deep stabbing pain in my chest. I remember what it felt like to be in deep, masochistic love with him. We continued to hurt each other time and time again, but the love was so consuming we couldn’t see clearly through it. Despite our best effort to make it work, we had to let go.
He was my first love and I am not sure I ever let him go.
Our story was the kind of romance you watch in the movies, except without the happy ending. I am so thankful it ended, because then I would have never been able to find my fairy tale happy ending, of that which I really have found. and wouldn’t trade for anything. He and I never got to have an ending though, because one day,
it just stopped.
We never said goodbye, we never said why, and we never said sorry. The questions were unending, and unanswered, and the loss was equivalent to death.
I am currently faced with the chance to see him. As I have gone over and over the thought of seeing him I revisited some old wounds that are so deep, it felt as though I never truly allowed them to heal. I’d like to think someday I won’t be able to close my eyes and relive every moment with him, as those moments were so few I can literally count them on one hand. I know we were not meant to be together, but I do wish it could’ve played out differently so we could have experienced time together and then moved on. Sometimes I think that would’ve made it harder to move on, but there is no way it could’ve been more difficult or worse than it was.
I’m not going to put myself in the position to see him. Under the circumstances I don’t think it would be fair to him or his family and I would never want that. It is an important, yet sorrowful day for them, and I would never want to take anything away from that. I also do not know if I could handle seeing him, as he makes me weak, and I am not strong enough for that. I don’t think it would be fair to my husband or have any positive influence on our marriage in any way, and that is never a risk I am willing to take.
So I am going to sit here for a moment, and relive the happy memories, and not allow myself to take it to a sorrowful, dark place. I am going to smile at what we shared, and not think of what could’ve been, because I know it couldn’t have.
I am then going to hug my husband, kiss him, and tell him how much I cherish him and how grateful I am that I found my prince charming.