No one ever really prepares you for life. For the hardships, for the highs or the lows, for the intensity of marriage, for the difficulty of relationships, for the loss of loved ones or for the changing of seasons. I feel really underprepared for what I have had to face so far in my adult life. “Get married” they say, “Have kids” they say. “It’ll be fun.” It is certainly fun, but it is also really freakin hard.
These last few weeks have been a bit unusual for me. I joke that I’ve been having a midlife crisis for a few weeks. Suddenly over the past few weeks, everything in me has changed. I have everything and yet I’m thirsty, and I want more. I don’t want just a mediocre life. I want to be full, and I want more in my marriage, I want more in the bedroom, I want more in my relationships, but mostly I want more of Christ.
I want to be fulfilled only by Him. I don’t want my happiness or my identity to lie in my marriage, or my motherhood, or my figure. I want my identity to be in who He designed me to be, and I want to be proud of the version of me that I’m walking out this life in.
Everyone around me agrees I am more myself right now than I have been in years. By years I mean, 8-10. It’s been a long freakin time. A friend of mine said to me this week, “You have the chance to be you again, but this time, do it the right way.” That statement resonated so deep with me.
A chance to do me, the right way. The last time I was this version of me was in college, and early adulthood and at times, I did it well, but at other times I made very poor choices. I am at a crossroads now and I have the chance to take the easy road to just float me through life, or I can choose to walk the road of brokenness.
The road of brokenness that could come with scars, deep ones, but beautiful scars that could be healed by redemption, faith and love. Christ’s love.