I have been doing quite a lot of soul searching over the past few months. I am in a strange place in my life right now. I am still newly married enough to enjoy new experiences with each other every day while discovering the security as well as the frailty of marriage. I feel as though I have a very established life but at the same time I am seeking for where my place is. I am still really seeking what I should be doing with the rest of my life. I’m searching for where I can make the most impact, where/how I can help the most people, and at the same time enjoy being fulfilled. I thought that at this point in my life I would have all that figured out. Little did I know I am just beginning.
Since I have been married I feel as though I am finding myself more everyday, but at the same time I feel as though I have lost a lot of who I am. I think back to when my husband and I were first dating. I was freshly out of college with a rock star first job. I conquered some major hurdles in college that allowed me to see that I was capable of doing anything I wanted to do. I felt like I was on top of the world and ready to tame it.
As time went by I become an “us” instead of just a “me.” I used to be that girl on the side of the road changing her flat tire all by herself. My first flat tire after we began dating was when I began to realize I was losing that independence. I didn’t even think twice about calling him to come to my rescue. I slowly began to rely more and more on him. I am not too dependent on him because I know I am fully capable of doing things myself, but bottom line is why would I want to do them myself when I can have him help?
I have friends who are married and still have separate bank account and completely keep their finances separate. They are so independent from one another that it is hard to even see it as a marriage. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, it is different for everyone, but for me I would have a hard time feeling as though we were anything more than just roommates. The whole point of marriage is to have someone to go through life WITH you.
So how do we find the middle ground of being a strong independent woman, but at the same time allowing ourselves to be led by a man in a relationship? I love that I have a strong man, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. I just want to be that strong woman for him, one that depends on him because I want too, not because I have too…the woman he fell in love with. I may not miss some of the things I used to do or the decisions I made in the past, but I do miss who I was. I want to be that confident, strong, sexy woman that is just as attractive married as she was single. I don’t mean physically attractive, but the woman that radiates confidence and can make decisions for herself.
I haven’t quite figured out my middle ground yet. I haven’t lost myself but I think I might just be in hiding for awhile. I can tell I am making progress in all areas of my life. I feel I am becoming more vulnerable to my husband, which is something I constantly battle because I never want to appear weak. I am slowly finding my confidence again and what it is that can build it and take it away. I know I will get back to that place but I know it takes work to get there.