The mental game of miscarriage is exhausting.
I am 8 weeks pregnant again now, I think. When miscarriage is a possibility for you, every day you wake up wondering whether that baby is still living inside of you. The wait until that first Dr. appointment could not be longer. The wait to get out of the “risky” first trimester seems never ending. The days creep by slowly as you cling to keep control over your fear. The fear of letting yourself get attached, and planning your future. The fear of potentially having to start all over. The fear of wondering whether or not your body is going to be capable to do what it was made for. The fear of feeling like you may fail your mate…again.
Medically miscarriage is actually labeled a “missed abortion.” There could not be a worse medical term to have assigned to miscarriage. I remember seeing that written on my Dr’s notes for the first time and my heart just sinking. Abortion to me was always a choice women made, and to see that attached to my name, like I CHOSE to not keep my baby was the most gut wrenching moment through the entire process. It actually just means your body did not process the fetus as it was supposed to once it passed. That miscarriage lasted 9 months for me. I think that has played such a major factor in my mind game this time around. If only I could trust my body to work the way it’s supposed too. That way even the baby passes, my body would process it the way it should and then I would have clarity as to whether my baby is still alive or dead. Instead, I am left wondering every day whether that baby is still living and if my body is working the way it’s should be.
The days have seemed endless, even throughout the busiest, most joyful time of year. All I want to do is hear that baby’s heartbeat. I want to know, even if for now, that baby is still alive.
I have done my very best to keep control over my thoughts and fears. Every day is a struggle and some days I lose, but every day I wake up and I thank the Lord for giving me the honor of carrying HIS child. Whether I carry this child to full term or not, this child is a part of my eternal family already. I WILL hold it one day, if not soon.