I am not one to be emotional. Let me rephrase that. I am actually incredibly emotional, however I do not usually show my extreme emotions. I rarely cry, and if I do, I do it in private. I feel a range of emotions constantly, usually to extremes, but I feel that I do a good job of keeping them under wraps, most of the time.
My husband left for Australia today, and I was a huge mess all week. Now that he is gone, I am actually better, but the week leading up to him leaving was terrible. I was crying all over the place, at just the possibility of him not coming home. I think a lot of it has to do with my intuition. From the very beginning, I did not have a good feeling about this trip. I never felt like he shouldn’t go, but I can’t help feel like everything might be different when he gets back.
I have NO IDEA what that means.
He is planning to do a few life threatening activities while there, which doesn’t help my state of mind. For the last month I found myself savoring every moment with him, like it could possibly be his last. I don’t mean to be grim, and I’m not saying he is going to die, but I am saying that I wanted to be sure I could look back and know that I gave him my all.
He has always wanted to skydive. For years I told him he just has to give me a baby first 🙂 and then he could go. I also told him that if he planned on going, it needed to be before he gave me a second baby, because there was no way I could be a widow with 2 kids. That was meant to be a little funny, but also slightly true. So I kinda started panicking when I had a miscarriage 2 weeks before he leaves to go skydiving. I think that has been playing a major factor in how emotional I was over him leaving.
Regardless, we are in such a good place now, and I am thankful that I chose to be present for him over this last month. I hope I can continue to be that for him even after he comes home.
It’s not that I couldn’t live without him, it’s that I don’t ever want to have too.