I experience everything from a distance. I find myself never getting in too deep emotionally or feeling my experiences to the fullest. I can honestly say it is not intentional, but that I miss feeling the situation before I even know I stayed distant. My dad always said to me, “Your disappointments are directly proportionate to your expectations.” I think that saying backfired on me. He said it over and over, with good intent, but over the years as I began experiencing disappointment, I began protecting myself. I HATE being disappointed. When I invest, I fully invest, so my highs are high, and my lows are low.
I have always heard nursing mama’s talk about how much they loved it, or miss it. How once it begins to come to a close how sad they are that they will not be able to breastfeed that baby anymore. This was always a foreign concept to me. I don’t hate breastfeeding by any means, and I am so very thankful that I have had the opportunity to nourish and sustain a life with my body. I don’t however, love it either. As I sat breastfeeding my 10 month old last week, knowing we have just a little time left, it sank in. I never let my walls down enough to let myself thoroughly enjoy it. I heard the hurt in those close to me about closing that chapter, so I never let myself open it. Again, it was not intentional, but it took me acknowledging that I only have a couple months left to realize it. I know my chapter with nursing him is coming to a close soon, so I am trying to cherish the moments. I am not trying to force myself to love it, but I am sitting calmly in the moments, enjoying his giggle as I stroke his back, and allowing myself to feel it to the fullest.
My best friend is constantly telling me to be present where I am. Feel each situation as it is, and to the fullest despite what that may be. This is not my strong suit, but it is a daily reminder I need to hear.