Breaking Down The Walls

I experience everything from a distance. I find myself never getting in too deep emotionally or feeling my experiences to the fullest. I can honestly say it is not intentional, but that I miss feeling the situation before I even know I stayed distant.  My dad always said to me, “Your disappointments are directly proportionate to your expectations.” I think that saying backfired on me. He said it over and over, with good intent, but over the years as I began experiencing disappointment, I began protecting myself.  I HATE being disappointed.  When I invest, I fully invest, so my highs are high, and my lows are low.

I have always heard nursing mama’s talk about how much they loved it, or miss it.  How once it begins to come to a close how sad they are that they will not be able to breastfeed that baby anymore.  This was always a foreign concept to me.  I don’t hate breastfeeding by any means, and I am so very thankful that I have had the opportunity to nourish and sustain a life with my body.  I don’t however, love it either.  As I sat breastfeeding my 10 month old last week, knowing we have just a little time left, it sank in.  I never let my walls down enough to let myself thoroughly enjoy it.  I heard the hurt in those close to me about closing that chapter, so I never let myself open it.  Again, it was not intentional, but it took me acknowledging that I only have a couple months left to realize it.  I know my chapter with nursing him is coming to a close soon, so I am trying to cherish the moments. I am not trying to force myself to love it, but I am sitting calmly in the moments, enjoying his giggle as I stroke his back, and allowing myself to feel it to the fullest.

My best friend is constantly telling me to be present where I am.  Feel each situation as it is, and to the fullest despite what that may be. This is not my strong suit, but it is a daily reminder I need to hear.

2017-08-11T15:52:27+00:00 July 23rd, 2015|disappointments, letting go, life|

About the Author:

Writing has always allowed me to be able to communicate better what I am truly feeling not only with others but mainly with myself. It allows me to look inside my heart, figure things out, and help me be who I really want to be.