It seems to be getting easier. Each month brings fewer tears, fewer sleepless nights, but also fewer memories. I find it getting easier, but I wonder if it is supposed to naturally progress that way or is it because I am forcing myself avoid the thoughts. I am thinking about losing Dad less and less. That scares me because I do not want to avoid the mourning or healing process, but I want to go through it in every way necessary to keep moving forward.
When Dad got sick we created a website to keep everyone updated as he had friends all over the world. I had the task a making the phone call to his friends and informing them of his current state. I will have to elaborate on that in another post, as there were many blessings brought to me through something so difficult. It became impossible to keep everyone updated so my sister began journaling on the website daily about our experiences and Dad’s condition. Today was the first time since he passed away that I was able to read through all 49 posts. I have tried to read through them in the past, but was never able to get past the 3rd post. It took me about two hours to get all the way through. The first 30 minutes was unfathomable pain. For a minute I had to stop and ask myself why I was doing this. I have a tendency to become a little emotionally masochistic (definitely another post) when dealing with heartache. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t choosing to torture myself, but that I was being productive in my healing process. Reading through those posts was literally reliving every day of those 8 weeks over again. I felt it was necessary for me to read through them. I knew it would bring out more of the good in the experience than the bad, and I need to remember the good.
I conquered it. After the first 30 minutes the tears stopped flowing and I found myself laughing at some of the humor experienced during those weeks. Those are the things I find myself forgetting. There were so many blessings sent our way, such quality time spent as a family, and continued moments of laughter among the darkness. Thats just it though, there was NEVER any darkness. There was moment after moment full of LIGHT. Through Dad’s dying experience we were all living more than we had in years. We were living as a family, all 5 of us, in a way we had not done since 1992 when my oldest sister moved out after graduating from high school. We have gained many wonderful additions to our family since then. We have opened our hearts to husbands, children, and adopted family members which caused us to never spent time with just the 5 of us. Dad getting sick brought us together as an entire family, but also gave us hours and hours of time together with just the 5 of us. It ended the same way this family began.
I do not want to forget. I want to remember every ounce of pain I endured through this journey as that pain was accompanied by a prayer said for me and my family and a blessing sent from The Lord reminding me of His mercy and His everlasting goodness.
Our God is faithful. Today He held me as I took a walk through a forest of painful memories. I came out on the other side with many scars shaping who I am, but they are now scars that I will look upon and smile.