As If It Never Happened

It was noon and I thought to myself, “Here we go again.” You see, I have struggled with stomach ulcers for about 5 years, and over the last 3 years they have ruled my life.  I hit the ER about every 6 months with a flare up that becomes unmanageable. It is not only debilitating but also expensive. So here I was, 10 weeks pregnant, my morning sickness hit an all time high over the last week, and I felt the flare up beginning.  Fast forward 12 hours later and I was on my way to the ER.

The Dr. walks in a says, “I remember you.” Never something you want to hear from the ER Dr.  The process was different from the typical steps we could take since I was pregnant.  There are not many pain meds or gastrointestinal drugs they can provide safely.  We couldn’t get it under control, which eventually landed me to being admitted to the hospital.

For 2 days, I kept asking, “Can we please check the baby?” No one thought we needed to check, but I KNEW we needed to check. Eventually they agreed and in walks the sonographer.

I will never forget my Mom’s face in that moment.  She walks in the room as the sonographer was looking for a heartbeat.  She had just finished telling me there wasn’t a heartbeat and the baby was no longer moving.  My mom walks in, and her face lights up thinking she is going to get to see her grandchild on the monitor.  I stop her mid excitement, “Mom, I’m sorry but the baby isn’t alive anymore.” Her heart stops and so does her face.  The tears begin to pour as this is the 3rd time I’ve had to tell my mother this.

36 hours later I woke up and suddenly everything was “back to normal.”  I was far enough along this time that I needed to have a D&C to clear out the baby.  My body was not equipped to do it on it’s own after what it had just gone through the past could of days. I walked out of the hospital 2 days later and it was as if I was never pregnant.  My stomach was completely as it was before, and so was my scale.

I was so close to “the safe” second trimester.  I had worked so hard that first trimester to hang on to this baby.  I felt I was on the verge of losing it the entire time, yet I was beginning to think I was in the clear and may actually get to carry this little one to term.

I don’t know why this happened again, but what I do know is that the Lord’s provision is never failing.  I have healed, and I have been refreshed.  When He is ready for us to try again, I will also be ready. I will try again.  I may not be gifted another baby, and if that is the case I know I will mourn, but I will not be defeated by the process.  I am thankful for one beautiful little boy I have been gifted, and if that is all I am given….he is enough.

My Dad is sure getting busy up there chasing all his grand babies.  Every time I lose one, I feel closer to him.

2018-10-03T12:28:39+00:00 February 19th, 2018|Baby, Death, disappointments, family, God, goodbye, life, loss, Miscarriage, pain, Pregnancy|

About the Author:

Writing has always allowed me to be able to communicate better what I am truly feeling not only with others but mainly with myself. It allows me to look inside my heart, figure things out, and help me be who I really want to be.