Sometimes in marriage love comes easy, but other times, love is a choice. I am incredibly lucky that despite our hardships, loving my husband has never been one of my struggles. However, always being IN love with him has.
There was a time over the last couple of years, where I loved him with every ounce of my being, but it was a different love. It wasn’t an all consuming love, but it was a bonded love that carried us through. A love that was a covenant, that made me so thankful to be walking through every step of our journey beside HIM, and only him.
This love was different than what I was “expecting” marriage to be. I expected to always look at him the same. I expected to feel my heart skip a beat every time he touched me or kissed me. I never expected those feeling to go away, but they did. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love him touching me, or kissing me, but you get so used to it, that you tend to take it for granted. I found myself getting a bit jaded toward love. I would look at pictures of newlyweds and think “I wonder if they have any idea what they are getting themselves into?” “I hope someone gave them real expectations or prepared them for what’s really to come.”
There was a moment a few weeks ago. A moment I hope to never forget.
We were lying in bed one evening, after a rough few weeks between us. He had become really vulnerable with me over a few things in the previous weeks, and I completely pulled away. Instead of reassuring him or walking next to him, I dove into my cave, that I so often hide in, and retracted my heart from him.
I tend to do that. I walk out over the water, trusting him and getting closer and closer to him. Then something happens that wounds me and I turn, and starting running away. Once I get back to land, I build up a wall of bricks around me, and it takes him months to tear them down. It’s this vicious cycle I go through, and every time I feel like I’ve overcome it, something happens and I find myself right back where I started.
As we were lying there, he was telling me how hurt he was that he laid himself out there, and I didn’t choose to lay beside him. In that moment, I broke. A flood of realization fell over me on how I was failing my husband. I wasn’t emotionally supporting him, which I never thought to be a big deal, because he is tough, really really tough. It was there I realized he needed me. ALL of me. Physically, spiritually, and emotionally. He needs my intimacy, and he can tell when I’m far away.
In that moment, I felt myself fall in love with him all over again. A different love. A love deeper and richer than the day we were married 9 1/2 yrs ago. A love with such intricate knots, no one can untie them, as long as we don’t let them.
I am seeing things differently now. I notice I am smiling again at pictures of newlyweds, and feeling hopeful for their futures. I want to listen to music of love, instead of just heartbreak. My jaded glasses have been removed, and I can see the light of love again.